Gosh it’s been a while. I believe I haven’t really written in several months, and as I look back on everything that’s happened and continues to occur… I can’t really blame myself, despite initially mentally beginning to. I wish I’d had more opportunity, but I’ve always agreed with the idea that you can’t force creative thinking, nor really put yourself in “the mood” if truly, forcefully apart from said mood. So I guess I’m kind of glad I haven’t tried to post anything in the midst of the particular kind of stress I’ve faced the past few months…. even now, I don’t have much to share beyond a brief update, and an interesting morsel.
I don’t remember how much I’ve said before about what’s happened with myself and my family lately, so I think a brief summary is not amiss:
A) This past semester was my final freshman semester of college, and one of the toughest challenges and lets-say-monsters, I’ve faced yet, and B), in the midst of that hardship my father was diagnosed with glioblastoma, the deadliest of all brain tumors (considering its speed of growth and unique composition- okay actually, lets not bog you down in those details now….), and really the biggest monster currently rearing it’s not-at-all-attractive head.
It’s been kind of a train wreck of terrible things, medical emergency, and… geeze, just all-round horrible *ahem* fracking sh*takes to go through. It still is; at least, the stuff concerning my dad’s fight. I’m on summer break, thank the Lord.
So I suppose I’ll update the sitch on my father first, considering I’m currently on that train of thought, then return to school, and FINALLY the reason for the name of this post.
Daddy underwent two surgeries, the second one in the actual cancer institute now handling his treatments and removing ALL of his tumor. That is a good thing. He’s been through chemo and radiation these past few months, and while there’s many challenges in all this… he’s much better than his initial condition, and my family is together.
God I’m thankful for that. I missed out on a lot of the introduction to this new world of ours, where diet and exercise transcend those New Year’s resolutions never followed and left forgotten by a world majority; where sleep becomes crucial to everyday quality of life in ways not related to the quality of school papers, or conduct in class; where endless meetings and appointments winding within a hospital’s pristine corridors create the rigid schedule all other plans flex around. I was in school in Austin, while my mother and father began this… journey, I suppose, several hours and miles away.
But now I’m with them, and things are better. Things are also scary; that never really stops, but simply takes a backseat. But we’re together, and we find soon what turn my father’s treatment will take.
It’s okay right now.
Now, to productivity, and schooling.
I’ve been… rather productive, I would say, this far in this summer. I passed the program I was in within UT, and the big news is that:
I’m entering the major I wanted so badly!
I’m in the process of necessary paperwork and meetings, but I will be joining the Arts and Entertainment Technologies major, and I will working with anything from 3D printing to animation and set builds. I’m EXTREMELY EXCITED, ah man. S’gonna be so cool.
To prep for that, aaaand also ’cause who doesn’t love personal development?, I’ve been taking extra classes related to the kinds of tech and programs I could encounter in my classes this fall. I’ve also been updating and adding to the drawing programs and software I have, sooooo we shall see what happens there. Ya’ll haven’t seen how my art’s developed, and honestly, I’m at a tipping point as to how good or not I really am. I’ve learned a lot, and within the next few weeks I’ll be seeing what’s changed because of it.
Hopefully it’s all good change, and a more professional-level end product… *cross fingers*
But I’ve also been taking this time to clean and update my space (liiiike my room…), as well; which is where we FINALLY come to the tasty morsel marking the ENTIRE REASON I decided to sit and write this post, in the midst of the chaos of my tiny, mounded, practically avalanching (I don’t think that’s a real verb… ) room.
I’ve found several papers with old writings and drawings today. And thank God, most of the WRITINGS, AT LEAST, are actually perfectly fine. The drawings… oh geeze. *shudder* WHY, ME. WHY DID YOU THINK THAT WAS PROPORTIONAL, AUUUH
Drama aside, one particular writing caught my eye. While slightly broken, and apparently written while half asleep in a sudden burst of late-night inspiration, it seemed oddly, kinda relevant to my current struggles.
Gawd, look at the scrawliness. Aiii.
The offending page, found tucked within a 2013 yearbook, scrawls this (as best as I can decipher):
“A doll, for a girl… a child that hasn’t grown up yet. Because what it means to be a child, is safety…
You live in your head, off the dreams you see inside of there, and those dreams are sweeter… and more nourishing than anything. They keep you alive, waiting for a time when you can embrace reality.
Because that’s what it means to be grown up: it’s that time when reality replaces dreams, and takes (their) place as nourishment.
And you really are EMBRACING it, not (simply) facing it. You may know it’s there; view it and know it in those secret, alone moments in the dark, but only when you embrace reality as your main existence… and not dreams… that’s when you can’t be a child anymore.
That’s why dolls and stuffed animals are so important. They protect a child’s dreams… let them stay a child for just a little while longer.
Stay a child…
Sleep, and wait.”
Beyond my excessive use of ellipses, I believe the overall idea and writing remains sound. And as of now, I feel I’m in that transition from child to adult, mentally. There’s so much that simply demands I FACE reality, while simultaneously I’m finding more in my reality to actively EMBRACE. While my dreams and fantasies remain wonderful parts of my everday mind and life, more and more I feel the need for (as well as witness the occurrence) of separation from them as my sole drive, and moreso for the health of those worlds and ideas than for any reason in regard to myself.
It’s not really good or bad that it’s happening; it simply is… and maybe it’s slightly interesting.
(Which, by the way, a note: I refer to dreams not in the “follow your dreams” sorta sense, but akin to the fantasies I mention. The stories and make-believes and what-ifs that exist within us, and can remain healthy companions, or devouring monsters. These are the kinds of dreams that should at least begin to balance with reality, when becoming an adult.)
But I guess I’m growing up, in the midst of this all.
It’s so weird.
But I guess little morsels like this help the transition come along.
SO, for all ya’ll that will read this, I simply say: celebrate your time, in this moment, whether adult or child. No matter what else is happening, simply give a small (or big, your choice really) thanks for those little and big things that make you happy; for breath in your lungs; for memories, dreams, and time with people you actually ENJOY hanging out with. You don’t have to be thankful for anything that really, you could live without: like Dolores Umbridge, or the person at work always stealing your pens, or your cat’s incessant need to step on your full bladder. Also nothing like supposed-to-be-hot coffee, or life-changing events that can seem life-ending. You can omit, nay, IGNORE and EXCLUDE those as much as you’d like.
But give a little attention to the small things; the little morsels of memory and ecperience that can be digested repeatedly in life with only greater nutritional offerings; and I promise you’ll feel at least a little better, no matter what’s happening.
And here, to help it work a bit better, a hug for anyone who needs it. Ready ?
Ah, there. Support is never amiss.
Here’s to a wonderful new undetermined-time-span for you all, until we meet again to renew the greetings!
All the luck,
Oh, and P.S.? A-Kon happened this year, and while it was a struggle as well… it was good. Pictures at some point, hopefully.
Okay, for real-zies now. Sweet dreams, and goodnight! (For my time zone at least; time-appropriate greetings for all others XD)